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Thursday, January 21, 2010

7 The Kasab trial

Is praised by all. Fair trial. Democratic. Blah.

Ask that to the 1.7 lakh undertrials in the country. Most of them have never seen the inside of a court. They have spent more time in jail already than they would have been remanded for IF they were found guilty AND were given maximum sentence (you see, they are mostly poor folk who cant hire a lawyer or bribe a politician to get a speedy trial). They are mostly there for petty charges.

But we somehow take Pride in Kasab's trial? What is there to be proud of when our courts spend insane amounts of time (already more than a year now) on open and shut cases? Is it a matter of Pride that all legal processes are being followed in Kasab's case?? Is it a matter of pride that our legal processes are glorious remnants from a Victorian legal era, while the UK has itself moved on?

If you think about it, half the problems in this country could be averted if the courts were simply quick. If you knew it wouldnt take 10-15 years for a case to reach court, you wouldnt have the impunity to rape your household help, for example. I am not even talking about judicial fairness and non-corruption, I am simply talking speed. But the law minister is busy banning anti government propaganda in Manipur. While judges continue to be free to take leaves when they wish. And law says they are free to adjourn cases till the end of time. Who is to judge the judges?

Monday, January 4, 2010

4 The Buffalo-Man...full of Bull

So I came across this press report and itenerary for one 'Buffalo-man' on the Blue Frog's* notice board. He is apparently some Bangla bugger who claims to be into art. Now I dont have anything against artists, nor against banglas, but frankly this one looked more conman than cowman to me. Lets look at his modus operandi.

He says he was moved by the plight of some farmer types in Dhaka or Chittagong or wherever. These poor folk were neck deep into debt, and then the bank/moneylender/MFI snatched away even the household cow (/buffalo/bull. bovine livestock basically). You would know that there aint no tractors in those parts - its the humble beast which pulls the plough. So in desperation these poor farmers resorted to becoming human beasts of burden, pulling their ploughs themselves. Pretty sad if you ask me, but what does our Mr. Smartypants do? Exploits the situation of course.

He claims to be so 'touched' by their condition that he goes on a mission to try and feel being a human bullock himself. NOT by actually pulling ploughs, but by simply wearing a pair of horns and some threadbare costume and then touring the world. Heights of hypocrisy! Mind you, this is not some social activist trying to highlight the plight of some poor farmers, the man is trying to portray this as art. He claims that he is trying to feel the pain of the farmer this way. Bollocks! Where is the art I say? Was this some great piece of canvas-on-oil? Some poignant lament of a song? Nope. Just a jackass pretending to be a bullock by wearing horns and roaming hip art galleries. Pray, how is he going to feel the connect with that poor farmer when he is hobnobbing with Neetu Ambani or Parmeshwar Godrej?

I am sure part of the reason this wannabe bungla bungler gets so much attention is his exotic roots (the only other person I know from Bangladesh is Taslima Nasreen, and lets please leave the cricketers out of this). So my anger also goes out to the Indian versions of this man-beast, who surely exploit our own nation's poor by displaying 'art' like this in the Louvres and Metropolitan of the world. This is not art Mr.Buffalo, this is you feeding off your audience's penchant for wretchedness.

Now the disclaimer. I have done zilch research on this dude. Dont even know his name. Didnt even care for a cursory google search. Perhaps he is actually a real artist with some talent. But I truly disliked this particular tamasha he put, hence the rant. One might say I used him as a punching bag, practicing my blows. Or as a guinea pig. Only fair given his tendency to ape animals, wouldnt you say? :)


*Yes, the same Blue Frog in the uber-hip Kamla/Lakshmi/Sita Mills area in Lower Parel just North of Chinchpokli. The one right next to Zinze....oops Zenzi! For the sake of the Zee effect, should they consider renaming it Blue Gazelle? or Blue Zebra? I think I should stop now...

3 Chronicles Zee

So yest we dined at the newly-opened Trident in BKC. Some fancy Italian restaurant out there. Nice place/ though the food itself was terrible (try feeding a full grown full blooded hungry male some 20 grams of pasta for 750 bucks and you will know). But really/ I don’t know if there are actually that many connoisseurs out there who would really appreciate fine cuisine and delicate flavors. A touch of cinnamon/ a sprinkling of asparagus/ a largely empty plate with some adventurous sauce frizzed across (connecting the two lone morsels of food on either ends of the plate) – get what I mean? But we Indians are just VFM folk – just give us maximum morsels per money I say! (we say!) Indian or non/ I have never figured out how all these supposed connoisseurs of fine dining end up filling their tummies. I mean/ they have to have an appetite/no? Or can they subsist on dashes and touchĂ©s and gratings and sprinklings? I bet your ass they come home after/ and tank up on the calories through good ole NestlĂ© Maggi or Tesco Microwave-re,ady Pasta meal for two! Yum.

But to get to the punto. (I know from Fiat that Punto is Italian for point and Linea Italian for line. Encyclopedic knowledge of cars helps somewhere!).
To get to the punto…
So after teasing our tummies at the Trident/ we went pub hopping/ and flitted past this chic place called…umm…let me see/ Zinza? No that’s not it…was it Zizou? Zozu? Not quite…hmm…Zenzi!! The place was called Zenzi. Ain’t it awesome? Go on/ roll the name around your tongue and check out how it feels. Can you feel the woody texture of the twin Zees/ the smoky samurai-ey evocation of the Zen / the full syllable-ization? (warning: wine tasting classes are harmful to wannabe bloggers).
Don’t get me wrong/ I do think with that name the Zenzi chaps have latched on to something good. Don’t know about you/ but names with Zees and Xs seem to me nice choices for nightclubs. Don’t ask me why – an etymologist is the dude you go to for scientific mumbo-jumbo. I will just speculate here. Guess it all started with the clothes line ‘Zod!’. Or maybe not/ but atleast my awareness of the coolness of Zee started with Zod! (I am not being like Archies comics where each statement ends with a ‘!’/ it is actually Zod with an ‘!’. BTW I kid you not/ each and every statement in Archie’s comics ends with a ‘!’)
So assuming Zenzi’s owner were similarly enamored with Zee/ lets see how he would have gone about thinking up a cool name for his place.
OK/ I am gonna build a cool nightclub in Parel (it is in Kamla mills but mills are hep nowadays so no worries). Got the place/ got the green/ now lets get a name. Chhotu (the sidekick)/ we gotta be really chic…I mean/ here we got (at this stage not yet invented) hep names like Zenzi/ and you think I could settle for something staid like Rodas? Bet your ass not! It has to be with Zee get it? OK/ here goes

Zizou? Far too oriental.
Zoozoo? Is taken by Vodafone; besides/ doesn’t sound chic to say ‘we are off to Zoozoo’. Doesn’t help its case that it rhymes with Susu! Not to mention it’s weirdly Junglee.
Hmm Junglee? Doesn’t ooze enough class. Too Andheri.
Zanzibar? Too African I say. I guess it’s still a nice idea for a lounge bar/ perhaps not for a nightclub.
Zouv? Difficult to pronounce/ and a shade of the French? Still/ could work so let’s keep it on standby.
Zara? Reeks ethnic wear
Zune? Monosyllable. Besides/ didn’t Microsoft have a gaming console called Zune/Xune?
Zuno? Rhymes with Bruno (yuck!)
Zenzi? Hmm…sounds hep! Go on Chotu/ roll the name around your tongue and check out how it feels. Can you feel the woody texture of the twin Zees/ the smoky samurai-ey evocation of the Zen / the full syllable-ization blah blah? Zenzi it is. Lets build the signboards – quick!
--
Thought experiment done/ let me continue with the Zee experiments for the day that I am gonna build a nightclub …
Zion. Wow. Chimping cool name for a nightclub. Same full syllable-ization. Plus/ brings up visions of Neo/Trinity and Morpheus. Cant go wrong with this one. Taj Lands End are you listening?
Zouv. Our friend kept it on standby/ thinking it has a shade of the French. It actually sounds Russian. And that’s good. Russian nightclubs are greatly admired world over (apart from when they go up in flames that is). I am sure Zouv would be a great place. Dream it…Tulsi Mills location (can it get hipper?!)…Russian dancers for effect…house drink Absinthe (that green alcohol with some 70% concentration)…Zenzi would be raped by Zouv! I gotta sell this idea to a VC!
And how is Zavi? No/ Xavi! Yep/ Xavi is cool too. Maybe not for nightclub/ but sits well for a restobar. Try it: ‘We are going to Xavi’. Say what/ I bet it sounds cooler than the name Titan gave its range of ‘Swiss’ watches: Xylys. That one sounds too much like a musical instrument if you ask me (Xylysphone anyone?)
But the question begs to be asked again/ why are Zs and Xs so cool? Perhaps because we find Mellus so cool? Didn’t get it? I mean/ itz zo zimble! Mind it! Instead/ just forget it. Usual apologies apply.
Anyhoo/ Fuck all Zese. Lets talk about the place itself. It was Salsa night (Samba night?) and I really dislike that cha-cha kinda music/ not to mention grooving to these Spanish types is not as easy as leg-shaking to our ole Himes bhai’s tunes. I was at Poly-Esters the other day/ and I ended up liking this amazingly funny Himes song which goes ‘Ahoon ahoon ahoon! Ahoon ahoon ahoon! Ahoon ahoon ahoon ahoon/ ahoon ahoon aahh!’ Can you beat those lyrics? And yet it was such a hit on the floor – and it was really danceable (dancy?). So I say gimme Himes anyday over this Spanish/Latin-A tango samba thingies. Of course if I were to actually master those steps I am sure I would be dancing to a different tune/ so don’t hold me to thees!

That’s it for now folks. Later tonight/ we explore the curious case of the Buffalo Man from Dhaka. Sublime or Facile? Stay tuned!